GROUND HOG DAY: This week, you’ve got a pass to pig out

Chee hoo–Ground Hog Days are here again, bu! Gotta love one holiday wea–according to ancient supahstitions–if you eat plene kine ono pork grinds on Feb. 2, da winter surf going las’ six weeks longah. Plus, your team going win da Super Bowl. Guarans ball bearin’s, brah!

So in honor of dese events (but really, jus’ one excuse fo’ ham it up), dis little piggy’s penned-up some tasty info jus’ fo you. Enjoy!

Translation: Friends, rejoice! With this weekend sandwiched between Groundhog Day and the Super Bowl, I’d say The Man’s giving us license to party n’ pig out. (No worries, the six percent of Americans who call in sick on Super Bowl Monday have got our backs.) But let’s have a little foodie fun with the folklore (I’m sure Pennsylvania’s Germans won’t mind), seeing as the closest thing Hawaii’s got to marmots are mongoose–and if winter lasts longer, mo’ bettah. Hey, we’ll make any excuse to exalt good grinds…

TEN HEAVENLY PLACES TO PORK IN PARADISE

“NUMBER ONE”
ICHIBAN RESTAURANT AND SUSHI BAR (47 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului; 871-6977). Tonkatsu with rice and miso soup ($Market)

“OUT OF THIS WORLD”
STAR NOODLE (286 Kupuohi St., Lahaina; 667-5400; starnoodle.com). Steamed pressed pork buns with hoisin, shiitake and cucumber ($10)

“OH-SO ONO”
SOUTH SHORE TIKI LOUNGE (1913 S. Kihei Rd.; 874-6444; southshoretikilounge.com). BBQ kalua sandwich with fries, side salad, coleslaw or rice ($10)

“NOW WOULDN’T YOU, BORICUA”
DA PUERTO RICAN FOOD TRUCK MAUI (“bright white truck with the silver back driving around the island”; dapuertoricanfoodtruck.com / @daPRFT on Twitter). Pulled “boricua” pork marinated in traditional herbs and spices with rice and beans or arroz con gandules ($8.95)

“HAWAIIAN STYLE HAM”
OLD LAHAINA LUAU (1251 Front. St., 1-800-248-5828; oldlahainaluau.com). Kalua pua’a is the centerpiece of their huge buffet menu, alongside all the essential local fixins like lomi lomi salmon, pahole (fern) salad, ahi poke, poi and haupia ($98 general / $68 kama’aina)

“TREAT YOURSELF”
MONKEYPOD KITCHEN (Wailea Gateway, 10 Gateway Pl.; 891-2322; monkeypodkitchen.com). Bulgogi pork tacos with pickled carrots, handcrafted kim chee, jalapeno and Asian pear aioli ($14.95)

“AIN’T NOTHING LIKE THE REAL THING”
MAIN STREET BISTRO (2051 Main St., Wailuku; 244-6816; msbmaui.com). Lightly smoked roasted pork loin with pork gravy risotto ($15)

“BOAR SNACKS”
KAHULUI ALE HOUSE (355 E. Kamehameha Ave.; 877-9011; alehouse.net). Three kalua pork sliders on toasted buns with tropical slaw and BBQ sauce ($7.95)

“SO SMOKIN’ IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL”
FAT DADDY’S (1913 S. Kihei Rd.; 879-8711; fatdaddysmaui.com). Smoked pork spareribs ($25 full rack / $14 half rack)

“BROKE DA MOUTH”
DA KITCHEN (Triangle Square, 425 Koloa St., Kahului; 871-7782; da-kitchen.com). Kalua pork plate lunch with side salad and scoop rice ($12.49)

PIGSKIN PAGEANTRY

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT FOOTBALL THAT MAKES U.S. HUNGRY
Move over baby Jesus and the American Revolution–Thanksgiving’s the only food consumption event that tops Super Bowl Sunday. Last year the big game had more than 111 million viewers (an all-time record, reported by The Nielsen Company), which means about 43 percent of our countrymen tuned in–and chowed down.

AS FOR THE OTHER WHITE MEAT
We live on a planet where the National Chicken Council’s 2012 Wing Report is a real thing–and it projects that Americans will eat 1.25 billion wings (totaling 100 million pounds of wings) on Super Bowl Sunday, saying, “If the wings were laid end-to-end they would circle the circumference of the Earth more than twice–a distance that would reach approximately a quarter of the way to the moon.”

ANOTHER KIND OF CONSUMPTION
The National Retail Federation (NRF) recently released results from its 2012 Super Bowl Consumer Intentions and Actions Survey (conducted by BIGinsight, Jan. 4-11 with “a margin of error plus or minus 1.0 percent”), which projects that Americans will spend $11 billion on Super Bowl-related stuff. The NRF’s senior vice president, Mike Gatti (in an audio interview with MarketWatch.com) says this $11 billion figure includes TVs, home furnishings, team apparel and trinkets “like football shaped ashtrays.”

PS (PORKSCRIPT)

PORK THIS IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT
Got the munchies? Bacon flavored rolling papers ($2) are available at Maui’s only record store, Requests (10 N. Market St., Wailuku; 244-9315; requestshawaii.com) ■

KO-NOT! “Suit: Safeway’s Kona Coffee Is Mostly Not From Kona” (via consumeraffairs.com)

Here are excerpts from an interesting post from consumeraffairs.com. Please visit http://www.consumeraffairs.com/news04/2011/09/suit-safeways-kona-coffee-is-mostly-not-from-kona.html to read the entire story.

In the suit, filed in U.S. District Court in San Francisco, Chanee Thurston of Benicia, California, says that until this year, the Kona Blend labels did not disclose that any of the beans came from anywhere but the Kona region of Hawaii.

“This is a significant omission since the majority of the coffee beans in the Kona Blend Coffee are sourced from regions other than the Kona region of Hawaii,” the suit alleges.

The label now says that the “delicate and smooth flavors of our Kona beans combine in perfect harmony with our Latin American beans to create this fragrant cup.”

The suit notes that Kona coffee is the name given to a variety of coffee cultivated only on the slopes of Mount Hualalai and Mauna Loa in the North and South Kona districts of the island of Hawaii.

The suit seeks damages on behalf of all consumers who purchased the Safeway Select Kona Blend during the time in question.

CHICKEN VS. EGG — THE BEEF CONTINUES

by Nani Senchal

“Recall.” Scary word, right? It conjures terrifying images of Jack in the Box in the ’90s and China-made Christmastime junk. But it turns out, this chicken Caesar salad recall — from Honolulu’s So Ono Food Products –is nothing to freak out about because nothing’s wrong with the food. Instead, egg in its dressing was not declared — which can be a dangerous thing for people with egg allergens.

However, while chicken Caesar salad-loving folks with an aversion to yolks are being protected, this news certainly won’t help ease longstanding tension between chickens and eggs; and their argument as to who came first continues.

FROM THE PRESS RELEASE: So Ono Food Products, a Honolulu, Hawaii establishment, is recalling approximately 553 pounds of chicken Caesar salads because of misbranding and an undeclared allergen. The chicken Caesar salads include individual packets of Caesar salad dressing made with egg, a known allergen which is not declared on the package label.

A NOTE FROM THE STATE OF HAWAII DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH’S FOOD AND DRUG BRANCH: FYI — this recalled salad was distributed to Safeway statewide. Since this is a USDA recall, FDB will not follow-up on this recall.

http://hawaii.gov/health/environmental/food_drug/index.html

If the Rapture is on its way, here’s my last meal request:

Wailuku Coffee Company’s $5 baked egg (with cheese, veggies, sour cream and salsa) is my favorite breakfast deal on the isle. So if the Rapture cometh, I know where I’m headed for my last meal. And if there’s no apocalypse after all, at least I’ll still have money in my pocket to make it until the Mayans come calling.

At this Market St. cafe, breakfast is served until noon (and lunch until 3:30pm). The meal comes with toast, a pat of butter and an orange wedge. I like adding slices of soft, sweet avocado for just a $1 extra.

And look, I’ll admit a latte is actually a splurge that rarely allow myself. But as a working stiff surviving–oft solely–off cups of Joe, filling up a frequent buyer card happens all too quickly. So with every 10 cups throughout the week, I’ve earned a free (and usually fancier one) for the weekend.

Speaking of which, have a good one (whether or not it’s our last)!

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CAREFUL SELECTION

1) I needed a bottle of wine to take to a party;

2) I know nothing about wine, so I judge wine solely on how cool its label is;

3) More than being swayed by cool labels, I’m a sucker for themes.

Given those three, very important things, I bought a bottle of Bonny Doon Vineyard’s Cardinal Zin, in honor of the release of the new Confession iPhone app — believed to be the first app sanctioned by a church authority.

A review by cheapwineratings.com speaks glowingly about this Zin’s “musicality,” its “bright, high-pitched aromas.” However — having read the review after-purchase — I discovered I’d paid $10 too much at Foodland Pukalani! Quickly, the extra $10 was justified when I read  “[Cardinal Zin] was banned because Ohio’s state code on wine labeling forbids “advertisement or representation portraying pictures of… children [or] religious subjects.””

NOT TO BRAG, BUT…

Not to brag, but I’m a pro at pouring milk over cereal, and my toast with microwave-melted cheese is nothing short of magnifique.

I know, I know. You’re thinking to yourself, “Wow, Anu. With such talent, you must be inundated with invitations to potluck parties.”

You’re right. I am. I can’t keep up with them all. But the weird thing is that when invited to potlucks, all my foodie friends implore I not bring anything. “Oh, no,” they say. “Don’t trouble yourself.”

While it’s quite considerate of them, I have no problem whipping up a batch of my famous Pillsbury crescent rolls (it’s a super secret recipe — so don’t bother asking), if it’ll make the world a better place (it does).

Still, my foodie friends insist. “NO! Please, come to the party — but DON’T bring anything. We’ve got it covered.”

OK, OK! Really, I know they’re all just trying to be nice, so I consider it an opportunity to bank my genius for later… (And since I can’t show up to a party empty handed, so I invariably get booze… Thus, Cardinal Zin.)

Plus, I’m doing my foodie friends a favor by allowing them to test their cooking skills. As you can see from the inset photo, they need all the help they can get. My friend Jennifer made this fresh Kula strawberry layer cake with a li hing mui buttercream — perfect for the Chinese New Year.

I know — it’s not cheese toast, but it’ll do.

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These slabs-o-ahi steaks are a blank canvass awaiting culinary artistry.

What’s your favorite way to dish up fish? Simple salt and pepper? Drenched in wasabi butter? Teriyaki style with caramelized onions and mac nuts? Tell us in the comments below…

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Recently enjoyed good food (and good company) at Castaway Cafe, at the Maui Ka’anapali Villa. The fried scallop pupu (seasonal; $12.95) is generously portioned and comes with a creamy wasabi sauce you’ll be tempted to double-dip with. For my entree, I opted for one of the fish specials, choosing ono blackened with cajun spices ($23.95).

In the way that the ambiance leaves something to be desired, but is made up for by the cheerily spot-on service, I found the plating to betray the meal’s good taste. A gorgeous, thick ono steak was hidden under a (albeit tasty) pile of sweet potato strings, and the veggies (although perfectly blanched) were prepped as if for a brown bag lunch.

A few aesthetic tweaks might help justify the premium prices. Nonetheless, the experience was a good one. 808-661-9091; castawaycafe.com

Pizza so fancy, it’s sexy.

Max World Bistro in the Haiku Town Center celebrates the grand opening of their new Max-To-Go Gourmet Pizzeria (just around the corner from their Max World Bistro dining room) by offering a free 12″ cheese pizza with the purchase of every large specialty pizza (they’re open Tuesdays through Sundays, 12-5pm; 808-575-2629).

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Steel your saliva glands — here’s a list of said specialties, designed by Chef Curtis Hintz:

“You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six. ” – Yogi Berra

“There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.” – Kevin James

“The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4am.” – Charles Pierce

“Ideas are like pizza dough, made to be tossed around. ” – Anna Quindlen

Our fearless @MauiTime leader, @JenRusso — who (wo)mans this blog — is a classy foodie writer. However, I am a trashy foodie writer. Though this can hardly be called writing (more like copying and pasting), inspired by positive response to a couple recent Facebook posts, I hereby share with you some culinary crappola:

Last night, after the Sublime with Rome show, I was carded for buying a green tea. When asked, I reflexively offered up my ID without questioning it until I left Minit Stop. Wait? If this ends up being some sort of Four Loko shit, I’m gonna be pissed… It wasn’t, thankfully. It was actually pretty good tea.

CLICK HERE for a neat blog I found from ThirstyDudes.com, about said tea (and more!).

Speaking of Four Loko, I first heard about it via The Colbert Report‘s “Thought for Food.”* As is the case with any and all Colbert content, the clip speaks for itself:

* My Nana is so funny. We were watching The Colbert Report, and when “Though for Food” came on she laughed and said, “Oh, they made a mistake. It’s supposed to be “Food for Thought.”" #awesome

Recuperating from a recent binge, I spent my hangover ambling through useless-but-LOL shit on the Internets and came across this beauty (CLICK HERE to see the whole post on BuzzFeed):

Of said binge, I made this post, eliciting interesting response:

Dreamed Morgan Freeman kidnapped my coworkers and kept poking me with a PVC pipe. Woke up to churchgoers slamming car doors in the parking lot/home for the night; my wristbanded arm clutching an empty bag of Jack in the Box. Eyeliner streaming. Busted heels. Hurray for psychobilly. Hurray for late nights.

Rick Lewis Ok… tell us what you took. I think we may want some too!

Anu Yagi Those 2 for 99cent tacos can get you fucked up, Rick. Not recommended.

Curt Bocanegra This dream sounds like it has some metaphoric undertones.

Anu Yagi Unfortunately, no metaphoric undertones. Just an undercurrent of gin and tonic combo’d with passing out in the office. Though, not sure why Morgan Freeman decided to play the antagonist… Oh, Morgan Freeman. Is there anything he can’t do?

Curt Bocanegra I stated the metaphors my dirty mind came up with in the first conception of this comment. Could Morgan Freeman survive a week as a MauiTime writer?

Anu Yagi Yeah, I couldn’t find a way to mitigate the dirty-soundingness of expressing a dream where Morgan Freeman pokes me with a PVC pipe. Really, it was more like a malicious makeshift cattle prod in my back. But see, that sounds worse.

On that note — and, being a fast food connoisseur — would like to share the following chart, further compliments of the Internets at large: